He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
