Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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