My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
organizing the empties. That sober.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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