There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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