i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
