So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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