I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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