If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
