You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
