My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
