What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
