shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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