On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
there's paper in my vomit.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Randomize
