She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
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