you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize