Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
