I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
