OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
