I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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