I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
