I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
