I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
