bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Your penis caused this!
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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