Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
