What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
