I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Randomize
