yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
