I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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