Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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