Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
