I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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