Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
