I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
