how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Randomize
