Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
