Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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