i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
