My girlfriend figured out who you are.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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