Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
