Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
