Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
