If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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