My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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