singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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