I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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