I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
