don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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