she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Randomize
