I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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