so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
