you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
