i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
