Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
