I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
