I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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