Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
