Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize